Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   "Police! OPEN the damn Door" "Not with that attitude, Mister."

   Adam and Eve had an ideal relationship. He didn't have to hear about all the men Eve could have married, and she didn't have to hear about how well Adam's mother cooked.

   Just once in my life I'd like to see a liars pants actually catch on damn fire...

   Offering a hobo $5 from across the street is my version of Frogger.

   Joggers always give each other a little nod when they pass, just like fat guys in a buffet line.

   The early bird needs to shut up.

   Just phished Forest Gump's Facebook password, it's: 1Forest1

   Aaron Hernandez is going to jail as a Tight End and will leave jail as a Wide Receiver

   When a newscaster says; "I am live at the scene with a person who witnessed the accident," what they really mean is; "Check out this douchetard we found at the scene of this crash."

   Right before I left the house my wife asked me if I filled out my organ donor information and now I'm hesitant to start the car.

   Apparently the NFL replacement Refs now work as tape-delay guys at Fox News....

   When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?

   Doggy style, because sometimes you both just like the same tv show.

   Just bought my " I survived black history month" T-shirt

   The Washington Redskins will now be known just as the Redskins because many people find the word "Washington" offensive.

   Ugh. New Year's Eve is just around the corner and I STILL haven't picked out which gang sign I'm going to hold up in photos

   People complain about voters making bad decisions but what else would you expect from a nation with 7 successful cupcake-based reality shows

   Don’t dance like no one is watching, dance like someone is watching and about to slide a twenty dollar bill into your neon thong.

   If anyone is looking for an unlicensed helicopter pilot give me a call. . .

   In case you weren't paying attention, the REAL reason Eric Holder resigned is to prepare for the 2016 presidential campaign. He'll be running as Anthony Weiner's VP candidate on the Weiner-Holder ticket....