Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   if you take my jokes to heart... you deserve to be offended!!

   when I was younger I thought it was so important that I impress my peers, now that I am older it is amazing how much those people really don't matter.

   There are 3 kinds of people in this world. Ones who make things happen, ones who watch things happen, and ones who wondered what happened.....

   I've gone to bed like 6 times tonight and I've ended up on Facebook every time.

   You were born as an original. Don't die as a copy

   Fact: If a person thinks they're big enough to stick their nose in someone else's buisness, be big enough to take it when it gets bitten off!

   Nothing is as frustrating as arguing with someone who knows what he's talking about.

   If you enter this world knowing you are loved and you leave this world knowing the same, then everything that happens in between can be dealt with.

   Good girls are bad girls that never get caught.

   Many Jägerbombs = (Good Times + Memory Loss) / (Loss of Balance - Contents of Stomach * Hangover^115)

   currently in the Jehovah's Witness Protection Program.

   I know when I'm cranky, because everyone around me starts acting like idiots.

   I do lots of stuff in my back yard that's illegal to do in public.

   The weather over here is terrible. Last night I dreamt it actually stopped raining. I love a good dry dream.

   Thanks to procrastination, my schedule is always full.

   Grams, Ounces, Kilos. Drugs: Blending the world's units of measurement, teaching math skills and uniting continents for decades.

   liked to climb trees as a kid....until I fell and broke all the Christmas presents.

   I used to be confused but now I just don't know

   I've always been taught to be patient, but now I'm worried that I'm just encouraging idiots to waste people's time.

   I know I'm drunk when it takes me longer than three seconds to figure out what's happening when I walk through a fan blowing air at me