Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Not sure if my dog is barking for no reason or I'm about to be murdered.

   Ugh....... I can never decide which color of shower puff is the most gangster.

   Why aren't you women happy like the ones in the tampon commercial?

   Whenever I drive past the psychic's empty parking lot, I think, if I was psychic I would only be open on the days I knew people were coming.

   When a woman says "the girls" I automatically assume she is talking about her boobs, not her actual friends.

   Brad Pitt and I had a handsome contest and the loser had to adopt a bunch of kids.

   I'm old enough to remember when a car on the back of a tow truck meant transmission problem rather than repossession problem.

   What a beautiful world it would be if only boobs were the answer to all the world's problems.

   Everytime a girl tells me she doesn't feel good I squeeze her boob and call her a liar.

   It's amazing how alcohol can make you do so many stupid things on your smart phone.

   For the first time in History, the average Canadian is now wealthier than the average American! Don't be discouraged though, this just gives us the option to borrow money from someone else now!!!

   I just violated myself in the shower. I didn't want to but rules are rules and I did drop the soap after all.

   George Jefferson is dead!........''Moving on up to that apt. in the sky!!!'' R.I.P.

   I've been asking God to send me my soulmate. Either he's not listening or we've got very different ideas on how she should look.

   I've regretted being nice way more times than I've regretted being a douchebag.

   This Ramen tastes like unemployment

   Be a deer and stand in the middle of the road for me, would you?

   Lots of woman stay in relationships just to have somebody around to kill spiders and open jars.

   You really inspire me to be a bitter person.

   Just discovered: A cup of noodles consists of two noodles, a half mile long.