Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   When it comes to driving, anybody going slower than me is an idiot, and anyone going faster than me is a maniac.

   Reminder, fellas: bra cups come in sizes AA, A, B, C, D, DD, OMG, WTF.

   The first testicular guard “Cup” was used in Hockey in 1874 and the first helmet was used in 1974. We have our priorities…

   I'm saving myself for marriage. Sorry, FROM. Saving myself FROM marriage

   Wondering if the next Charlie Sheens tv show will be called "Two And A Half Grams."

   You think you had a bad day? Clams are getting chowdered. CHOWDERED!

   How many NASCAR drivers does it take to destroy a jet dryer?? Juan

   Only ten shopping days left before you find yourself buying gift cards from CVS.

   Christmas shopping done.... I got everyone a box with a note in it that reads. "Sorry, the world was suppose to end so I didn't get you anything. Blame the Mayans!"

   Anti-virus pioneer John McAfee is wanted by the Police for murder charges. If they catch him I guess the trial will last 30 days.

   Hey Blame Obama Hotline, how does it feel to be blamed for everything~George W.

   According to my khaki shorts, I need to give a couple more shakes after peeing

   Why are there never any good side effects? Just once I'd like to see a drug commercial that says, "May cause extreme awesomeness."

   This donut scented car air freshener will more than pay for itself next time I get pulled over.

   I really need a day inbetween Saturday an Sunday

   a cookbook is like a Danielle Steele novel for chubby girls....

   - If Adam and Eve would have been Chinese, they would have simply eaten the snake and left the apple alone!

   Spooning For girls: A nice, warm and cozy cuddle. Spooning For guys: A dead arm, a face full of hair and an awkward erection you can't do anything about.

   You know it's cold outside when you go outside and trip over dog poop instead of stepping in it.

   Hey A-Rod, will you sign my syringe???