Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Hard work never kills anybody who supervises it.

   A back-up plan means your plan sucks.

   On C.N.N. morning news there has been a study conducted that claims that teens that have sex do not always get bad grades. Bet this is especially true if they are having sex with their teachers.

   Let's make fake tan orange people an official race so we can discriminate against them properly.

   My girlfriend and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met.

   Ladies: In order for you to find that prince charming, you must first be a princess yourself.

   The 3 stages of love and relationship: 1. Anywhere sex, fairly self explanatory. 2. Bedroom sex, it only happens here and at night if you aren't too tired 3. Hall Sex, where you walk past each other in the hall and yell "Screw You!"

   *sends text message* *gets a reply 45min later* "Oh so it's like that? Ok, then I'm gonna take twice as long to text back!"

   Dr. Suess should have been a rapper.

   The only time I've ever had a chip on my shoulder was when I tried to dump the entire bag into my mouth at once.

   The reason men lie is because women ask so many questions.

   My tattoos pretty much ALL mean the same thing.... I had money to blow.

   My legs are so white, they just applied for a job at whole foods

   During sex it's perfectly fine to say "yeah", "yes", and "oh yes" but how awkward would it be if someone kept screaming "yep"

   Your mother nodding solemnly on Antiques Roadshow as the appraiser explains that the ashtray you made for her in 1st grade is absolute crap...

   Black Friday: Where one day after giving thanks for what we have, we trample each other to buy what we don't.

   I'm eating nothing but comfort food tonight...cookies, ice cream, pizza. I don't even care, but I think I'm starting to like food way more than people.

   BEST ADVICE: Be happy in front of people who don't like you, it kills them.

   Second chances: When it just didn't hurt enough the first time.

   I'm old enough to remember when having a long cord on the home phone was privacy.