Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Well I just bought another load of laundry and a few things to dust for Christmas... I hope my family and friends enjoy a little extra work... You're welcome...That's just how I roll...

   How can you tell a woman is having a bad day?? she has a tampon behind her ear and cant find her cigarette

   i use to have a coke problem........ now its just pepsi

   Their is a perfect girl 4 everyone!! I think mine died at birth

   I want 2 die peacefully in my sleep like my grandfather!! Not screaming in terror like his passengers!:)

   CHAOS, PANIC & DISORDER... MY WORK HERE IS DONE...

   has a big clock

   I believe theirs more than one way to skin a cat!!! but the cat wont like any one of them

   when I was born, they asked me if I wanted a long memory or a long penis.. I FORGET MY RESPONSE

   Why get married and make one woman miserable when I can stay single and make thousands miserable?

   The worst thing about drugs is running out...

   "This dog,is dog,a dog,good dog,way dog,to dog,keep dog,an dog,idiot dog,busy dog,for dog,20 dog,seconds dog," Now read without the word (dog)

   Your sick, twisted, and rotten to the core!!!!! I like that in a person

   I stoped stabing people in the back years ago... now I stab them right in the face...

   going insane in sane places.

   went to the bookshop today to get a book about conspiracies. Guess what, there were none there. Coincidence?

   On Dasher, on Dancer, on Mastercard, on Visa.

   There's a new product called "Texthook" that lets parents strap phones to strollers so they can text while pushing their children. The most common text message is, "OMG, I just crashed my baby into another baby!"

   ¡¡¡ƃuılıǝɔ ƃuıʞɔ*ɟ ʎɯ ɟɟo ʇǝƃ `lǝuoıl ʎǝɥ

   needs an elf to wrap presents…..oh and do the laundry too while your at it.