Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   watering a fake plant

   Ok, it's 2010...Where the hell is my jet pack?

   my husband dropped me off at work. Ten minutes later I got a text saying "I just dropped the b*tch off I'll be there in a few baby, miss you". I asked him about it he said "I don't know what you're talking about Megan". My name isn't Megan.

   ok I have received those emails and basically.. "Yes I do want a bigger penis, but not if there's a flipping virus attached!"

   The other day, Senator Chris Dodd unveiled his plan to reduce corruption in the Senate. He's retiring.

   to get what we've never had, we must do what we've never done!

   Lifes tough, Wear a helment.

   URGENT FACEBOOK VIRUS ALERT. An email recently went out to women asking them to post the colour of their bra. THIS IS A VIRUS. To fix it, you must remove your bra, then go to settings>Enable Webcam>Record Movie. Please re post this to your status!

   There are those who sit and watch, and those who do. ..........I prefer to be one of those who tell others to do, then watch! ;-)

   When I was young I thought by 2010 that we would have personal spaceships and android boyfriends that had no feelings or emotions...I was right about the android boyfriends, but would rather have a personal spaceship!!!

   I met Mr. Cadbury on Quality Street at Bournville, close to Mars in this Galaxy, the Milky Way. It was After Eight, on a Double Decker, I was feeling the Crunch as I was Bounty hunting for Kit-Kat. My stop was next, Toblerone.

   just came back home and found Santa in his mouse trap... My cheese was all gone, but at least the milk and cookies were safe.

   still doesn't understand what the hell I'm supposed to do with the white crayon…

   Next time you're stuck in traffic, look at the cars around you. Spot the couples: 90% of them have a sad and lost look. Now, detect a couple where the guy looks happy and jolly, then take a good look at the girl next to him: she must be brand new!!

   my girlfriend told me I should be more affectionate, so I got myself another girlfriend

   in no mood for a smoke today!!

   .menstruation, menopause, mental breakdowns... ever notice how most womens probIems begin with men?

   Aliens are coming to Earth on Monday to abduct all the good looking and sexy people. You will be safe, but I just wanted to say goodbye.

   the reason for your wet dream!

   holding a grudge is like drinking poison and hoping the other person dies