Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Who does everyone listen to and no one believe? The weatherman.

   A Bachelor is one who never chases a woman he couldn't outrun.

   dyslexics UNTIE!

   My favorite character on Spongebob Squarepants in the guys that yells "MY LEG!"

   The best vitamin to be a happy person is B1.

   I think it's wrong that only one company makes the game Monopoly.

   So, I read today that NASCAR is getting fuel injection.... I also learned that when they hit 88 mph the new cars travel through time back to 1985, when the rest of us had fuel injection.

   I havn't seen it rain this hard since Tim Tebow lost to Alabama...

   I hate it when you hang out with MC Hammer, and he never lets you touch anything

   Multiply that by infinity & take it 2 the depths of forever & then you will have some vague idea what I'm talkin about...

   Whose cruel idea was it for the word "lisp" to have an "s" in it?

   Thinking about moving to Haiti, so I can get a free ride to the U.S, housed, clothed, $450. food stamp per month, and get government money along with job.

   in a relationship ♥ with Samuel Adams

   Some of my best relationships now are with people who I dont have relationships with anymore.....

   Oops! Something went wrong. We don't give two sh!ts if you waste the next hour trying to understand why you can't post anything You may be able to try again, whatever!

   wondering how many times is it appropriate to say "What?" before you just nod and smile because you still didn't hear what they said?

   In Taiwan, marine biologists have discovered a crab that they say looks just like a strawberry, and by "marine biologists," I mean two guys on mushrooms.

   My new doctor is a very attractive busty blonde.....I have now given up eating apples !!!!

   These days, the only way I get rolled in the hay is if I get mugged behind the barn

   planning on driving to the south Florida for the Super Bowl. Let's just hope I don't "FUMBLE" my keys a few times before getting there.