Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Harry Potter can do all this $hit with magic, but he can't fix his poor vision?

   The nutritional facts on a box should just tell you the amount of exercise needed to burn off what you're about to eat.

   U Can't Touch This. Well he didn't say that when the IRS took his money!

   In the early 90's hip-hop game, I suppose MC Hammer was wearing the trousers!

   if you tickle my feet I am not responsible for what happens to your face....

   Hates when people come inside her work when its nice out and says "It's so nice out too nice to be inside!" Thanks I couldn't tell it was too nice to be working, guess that big yellow thing in sky isn't a lemon!!!!!

   The bladder: Nature's alarm clock. Snooze button not as reliable, though

   so tired of hearing about Tiger Woods and Jesse James...it happens to everybody just ask me about my "X"!

   If you are interested in paying higher taxes your an idiot, but if you feel really strongly about it, the US department of treasury actually accepts donations by credit card for all those idiots that want to give their money to the gov't

   Why are there interstate highways in Hawaii?

   dont you hate it when your busy everyone texts you but when your not, no one does....its like they know...

   confesses, as a kid he used to have a crush on that crazy-ass evil blonde chick on "Little House on The Prarie"

   When a relationship goes flat, so does a couple of sets of car tires.

   Old Macdonald had an agricultural real-estate tax abatement...

   Can people just go for a bike ride without having to dress up like some Lance Armstrong clone?

   not and alcoholic, I'm just thirtsy.

   mastered the art of changing lanes and not running over the white reflectors in the road!

   working on my taxes and has come to the conclusion that taxation WITH respresentation is not that great either...

   an alcoholic is someone you don't like who drinks as much as you do.

   just saved a lot of money on my car insurance by fleeing the scene of the accident.