Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Did you say photographic memory or pornographic memory? I have one of those.

   Weekend - you teased me! I was so enjoying you and then you went away. Come back. I miss you. (*sob, sob*)

   ...is wondering if some other horse went all "Tonya Harding" on former Derby favorite Eskendereya... 

   thinks that the Waltons take way too long to say good night!

   Life without chocolate is like a beach without water.

   The guy driving in front of me is totally following me...

   Justin Bieber should be treated like AM radio and nobody should ever listen to them...

   Dear Patron, now that you helped me gain my confidence, can you please help me find my car?

   What is a wedding tragedy?. . . To marry a man for love, and then find out he has no money!!

   My new study method for finals is put a question on the outside of a beer bottle and the answer at the bottom

   ''Viva La Rasa''..what the hell have I just said!

   Alcohol was my dad's answer to everything. He didn't drink. He was just lousy at quizzes.

   If I was an apple product, the name for me would be "iPlease"

   Don'T write HAPPY BIRTHDAY on my wall...Just send ur gift to this address!!

   According to google maps there is no such place as Cougar Town, this show is so full of $hit.

   Stop everything you're doing. Think about me. You're welcome.

   Being real is like being a lady... if you have to tell people you are... you aren't.

   Ladies, if your Facebook status is "It's Complicated" it's really not. It's simple, you have a sh^itty boyfriend, and you're co-dependent.

   Whats the only animal with an a$$hole on the middle of its back? A police horse.

   I'm going to Prehab... On the off chance that I get addictions.