Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   My car is leaking oil. Can I blame BP?

   Jack & Jill.. went up the hill 2 fetch a pale of water, god knows wht happened.. they came down wid a daughter !!

   World's Shortest Fairy Tale: There once was a man who asked a woman to marry him. She said, "No." and he lived happily ever after.

   Insomnia: Inability to sleep until it is time to get up!

   Just bonged a beer from a vuvuzela

   i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand

   it tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.

   chasing vodka with french fries

   Have you noticed you very rarely hear one liners about cocaine.

   Silence is golden, but duct tape is silver.

   Jack's complete lack of surprise.

   when you are single,all you see r happy couples.............when you r commited,all you see r happy singles. :))

   When I was a kid, my father sat me down and told me he had some pictures to show me that would help me to remember to always wear a condom.... Funny thing is that all the pics were of me

   i got ice in my veins, blood in my eyes, hate in my heart, love in my mind

   Customs: "Do you have anything to declare?" Me: "I declare a thumb war?" Customs: "Security!" Me: "I mean rum! Lots and lots of rum!"

   I'm thinking of a number between one and who gives a sh*t

   First, Alaska brought us Sarah Palin. Now, "smoked salmon flavored vodka." Can we get a restraining order against them?

   Quotations i got ice in my veins, blood in my eyes, hate in my heart, love in my mind

   Nobody can go back and start a new beginning, but anyone can start today and make a new ending.

   Help me, My stomach is eating my throat.......this is a job for pizza man....