Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Most popular iPhone App of the month: Public Telephone Box Locator.

   Now over to world news: Good evening, the UN declared that they will be sending relief aid to Haiti in hopes that the victims of the...Oh..hang on.. this just coming in on the news wire..Lindsay Lohan was taken into custody today for probation violation..

   If I keep procrastinating like this, I'm going to end up back in yesterday.

   I would spend more time outside, but it's not as hi-def as my TV.

   I'm doing what I've always done... Learning from the mistakes of others who take my advice.

   Reggie Bush is losing his Heisman Trophy.....there is justice in this world.

   now that were all out of the car, I'm just gonna tell everybody since I have to go to the bathroom now. That when everybody thought that it was a dead skunk on the road,.. that's not what it was."

   Everything You Have Ever Asked God For Is In Your Environment, Merely Awaiting Your Recognition Of It.

   80% of the boys have girlfriend, rest 20% are having brain

   Warning: Weeding another man's garden will eventually get you plowed!!!

   Oh, I'm sorry. I can't come to Facebook right now. I'm afraid that in my weakened condition, I could take a nasty spill down the stairs and subject myself to further internet absences.Thanks for stopping by. I appreciate your concern for my well-being.

   I don't mind running into debt. It's running into my creditors that's embarrassing.

   .My sun block is 100% effective. It's called a house.

   cop pulled me over and was out of tickets, happiest day in my life

   mexico would help America with the war in Iraq, if only they could hitch a ride

   he who sleeps on the floor will never fall off the bed

   The first guy to blow a vuvuzela at an NFL game will be getting his a$$ kicked.

   does every dollar store smell weired and stuffy or its just me?

   my girlfriend called me a useless druggie today. I almost fell off my unicorn.

   you know your old when you teabag the toilet water.