Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   doesn't get why everyone blames the craziness on the "full moon".. the moon is ALWAYS there, you just dont see it all the time

   On Gilligan's Island, how did Ginger have so many different outfits when they were only going on a 3 hour tour?

   Why do they say a football team is the 'world champion' when they don't play anybody outside the US?

   was out side working and this clear salty liquid started coming out of my skin every where... I may need a Doctor... I think I may be melting..

   How do you handcuff a one-armed man?

   If a cannible was on death row could he ask for the last guy that was electricuted for his last meal?

   Are children who act in rated 'R' movies allowed to see them?

   Do Chinese people get English sayings tattooed on their bodies?

   Police were called to a day-care centre today.... A two year old boy was resisting a rest.

   my name is what, my name is who, my name is chicka chicka slim shady

   Doctors waiting room needs some music. And better lighting. And more women. And a pole in the middle of the room. And a buffet.

   Dance like no one's going to put it on YouTube.

   findining it increasingly difficuly to not say "Really? Since when?" whenever an atheist says "OMG!"

   will never gonna figure out why they call it Miss Universe when our planet is the only one competing.

   Has been lonely lately so I just made an appointment for my annual physical and prostate exam

   I am pretty bummed. I found out this morning the hard way that I am in fact, NOT a Jedi. That certificate from Lucusworks now has to come off of my wall. This is a sad day indeed.

   thinks that 99% of people in this world are stupid. Luckily I'm in the other 2%

   Dear Santa, what I want for Christmas is... your list with names of bad girls ;)

   I hate all these derelicts that come into my office asking for directions to Social Security they are going there to make sure they get money from the government, do you think it is wrong that I gave them the directions to the Department of Labor Job Enf

   Women are angels. And when someone breaks our wings, we simply continue to fly...on a broomstick. We are flexible like that.