Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Look, you idiot cat, if you don't want me to rub your belly then quit rolling around and exposing it to me. Quit biting me.

   There are few things in life more relieving than having a cop turn off the road after following you for an extended period of time.

   Hey, candy bar companies: My bite size far exceeds your pathetic estimates.

   If you ask me a question, I say "I don't know" and you ask me again, prepare for a very ridiculous answer.

   Why is Monday so far from Friday, but Friday so close to Monday?

   Driving school wouldn't be so bad if cops started giving tickets to all the hot girls they pull over.

   Girlfriend caught you looking at another woman? Turn to your girl and tell her that you're glad she doesn't dress like that.

   I'm at that very brief period of drunk right now where I love my life and everybody in it.

   Thank you guys for the birthday wishes. And thank you Facebook for reminding them.

   If I'm ever on life support, pull the plug and plug it back in. See if that works.

   What's this bullsh*t that Pandora is telling me that I've gone over my free music listening privileges for the month and now I have to pay a fee to listen some more?!?! This is America! And in America, Pandora should be free no matter how much you use it!

   I think this person in the bank drive thru in front of me is refinancing their mortgage.

   Your eyes make the stars look like they're not shining.

   Look at it this way... If Walmart didn't exist, those people could shop ANYWHERE.

   If your girlfriend's driving you crazy, it's probably because it's the only kind of driving she's good at.

   This gallon of ice cream is a new flavor called, "Get Your Own."

   less than a God, but more than a man.

   ...Wyclef Jean disqualified for Haitian Presidency. Hey, that's no fair! If we elected an unqualified black man, why can't they?

   Have you heard about that online origami store? It folded.

   WEDDING: Point at which a male's opinions become utterly worthless.