Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   to AVOID any embarassing incidents...I've equipped my BEER GOGGLES with windshield wipers.

   I'll never have one of those cathartic cries. I'll just let it out in bits during sports montages.

   Suggested cough medicine flavor: gazpacho.

   "Hi, Welcome to Abercrombie. Our sizes are; Small, X Small, Anorexic, Bulemic, and Malnourished.

   the taser is a perfect law enforcement tool. the lovechild of the nightstick, the pistol, and the car battery

   i think when "the old fashioned" was invented, it was probably called "the new fangled"

   Taking it to the streets, Welcome To the Revolution. God Bless America.

   glad to hear the penicillin worked. Better luck next time..

   going to the strippers to start work...i grease the poles and disinfect the stage... :D

   The one good thing about my hand is I dont have to take it home afterwards..

   Did you know Mark Twain had a son? His name was choo choo... choo choo twain

   I was going to look for my missing watch, but I could never find the time.

   IROC=Italian Retard Out Cruising

   so awesome, even my Camaro says Iroc!

   The saxophone still hasn't been brought to justice for everything it did in the 1980s.

   I support precisely enough global warming to flood Jersey Shore.

   was looking through my wallet and found the condom I had in there has a hole poked in it...touche gas station attendant

   I tuned into the Miss Universe Pageant hoping to see Miss Jupiter, but it turns out only Earth entered the competition.

   Why is it that, in a world full of silicon chips, hand held computers, waterproof paper, and manned space travel, can I not get the little chain to stay attached to the drainage plug in the back tank of my toilet seat

   Sing as if no one is listening, work as if someone is watching, make love as if you need the money, and dance as if no one is going to post it on Youtube."