Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Mr. Dentist you can b*tch at me all day to start flossing, but the truth is I'm more likely to watch Jersey Shore than I am to floss. I'd rather have a pincone shoved up my a$$ than watch jersey shore. So unless you've got a pinecone, stop wasting my time

   I stood in front of the condom rack at the drug store and asked random people in the store if they knew if there was a size bigger than magnum... then I went and asked the cashier, "Where is the fitting room?"

   A Ghostbuster... now everyone can stop asking who they're gonna call.

   heard the new Cubs regime was going to return the Team to thier Glory days...How can anyone possibly know what that was like???

   ‎"Two things are infinite: the universe and human stupidity; and I'm not sure about the universe."

   ...Brad Pitt may favor death penalty after BP oil spill. Says execs should hafta watch “Meet Joe Black” over & over til they kill themselves!

   ... Knife-wielding intruder tries 2 break into Paris Hilton's home. So? 1 time, a forkwielding Kirstie Alley tried 2 break into my refrigerator!

   tired of trying, sick of crying... Yeah, sure I'm smiling, but inside I'm dying...

   All I know is I wouldn't do so good in the wizarding world. Every time I encountered a goblin I'd instinctively punt it.

   trust : is to deal with snakes and to know they wont bite you

   ....Nick Cannon still mum on Mariah pregnancy. They're obviously waiting to make sure she doesn't have a bigger miscarriage than “Glitter.”

   Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway. One hat says to the other, 'You stay here, I'll go on a head.'.

   I drop my ipod:( ………and then my headphones save it's life :)

   Inside me lives a skinny man crying to get out, but I can usually shut him up with cookies.

   Show me a piano falling down a mineshaft and I'll show you A-flat minor.

   dropped in an upholstery machine. He is fully re-covered now.

   laughing at "suggested" friends that he will never be friends with

   It would be very helpful to me if the rest of you would please stop striving for excellence. Thanks!

   I use to be great at wordplay. Once a pun a time.

   if the shoe fits, buy one in every color.