Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   reminds you that silence is golden, but duct tape is silver

   There is nothing more convenient than putting on a pair of pants that already has the belt on.

   A smile is like tight underwear... it makes your cheeks go up.

   I have found that the best stress reliever in life is not giving a crap.

   "I Hate or Can't Stand Drama" is translation for "I'm gonna be the first one to cause all the Drama Tonight, just thought I would give you the heads up!"

   I'm sorry,Mr. Wasp,but I had to kill you. You're too stupid to see my kitchen window and kept smacking into it. And too stupid to see me trying to help you. Stupidity isn't acceptable in my household. You had to go.

   "Avatar"... returns to theaters this week, with 9 mins added to the movie. These additional minutes r very important. They explain how the blue ppl got that way by cross-breeding with Smurfs...

   Whenever people are speaking a different language in front of me, I automatically assume they're talking about me and give them a dirty look just to let them know I'm on to them.

   You show me a giant stuffed hippopotamus at a Wal-Mart and I'd NEVER even consider buying it. But at the local county fair... I'll spend every last penny I have to be the bad ass walking to my car with it.

   My ceiling fan has two settings... "On" and "S#it, that's dusty."

   I'm thankful that baby teeth are the only things that kids lose while growing up. Imagine the trauma of a nose falling off. Or a leg. "Why's your daughter hopping around like that?" "Oh, she just lost her baby leg last night."

   I think it's sort of mean for the closed caption on movies to say" Music playing". Wouldn't it be nicer just to not mention that?

   What is with these married women and their excessively long names on Facebook? I wonder if Michelle Carrie Ann Thompson-Anderson realizes her last name is a f*cking run-on sentence. Trim that sh*t down, b*tch.

   I wish that just once, the clerk would just put the Monopoly money in the drawer and hand me a receipt.

   Good news: I finally got my computer connected to the wireless printer. Bad news: not sure which house I need to go to get my documents.

   I'm an organ donor, but I'm pretty sure all they're going to use is my liver for "after" photos.

   I bet the homeless are really nice people. They never wake up on the wrong side of the bed.

   Stepping in some water barefoot in the kitchen, not so bad.Stepping in some water with socks on, bloody catastrophic.

   Whenever I flush a bug down the toilet,I have to watch and make sure it dosen't come back, zombie style, with revenge in it's tiny heart.

   Girls don't shop because they need something, they shop for shopping's sake;)