Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I'm going to open my own Walmart... Every register will be manned... A bouncer at each front door that will not let "THE PEOPLE OF WALMART" come in. And the slogan will be "Get yo' sh@# & get out."

   Sometimes I wish I could Ctrl, Alt, Delete my life

   thinks we should all go out for Octoberfest and make it a monthlyfest!!

   I may be addicted to brake fluid but I can stop at any time.

   Febreeze should make a scent powerful enough to remove wtf is that awful smell, instead of just wtf is that awful smell plus Febreeze.

   The first thing I always do when a cop pulls me over is remind him he can't arrest me without a warrant so he knows he's dealing with a pro.

   Myspace who?

   When I see a photo enforced traffic light, I pose and wave as I run it, tons of adoring fans at the county courthouse send me letters.

   How many Snickers are an acceptable meal replacement?

   My internet is so slow, it would be faster to just drive to Google's headquarters and ask them this sh!t in person.

   This ban on texting while driving only makes things worse. Now I have to worry about driving, texting AND not getting caught texting.

   At least once a week, everyone should bike to work, so there will be less traffic for me.

   You don't have to be good at anagrams to see that Pope Benedict is an Epic Bent Pedo.

   If you have a parrot and you don't teach it to say,"Help, they've turned me into a parrot", you are wasting everybody's time.

   I asked my co-worker if he think he's going to Heaven. He said, "Hell yea!"......

   duck tape makes no! no! no! sound like mhmm! mhmm! mhmm!

   welcome to walmart.......get your sh*t and get out

   I've got to quit sleeping with the news on all night. I woke up this morning thinking I had just saved the world from terrorists.

   You know your life is boring when happy hour is when the kids take a nap.

   I find it helps to organize chores into categories: Things I won't do now; Things I won't do later; and, Things I'll never do.