Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Always believe a woman when she says, "You don't want to know!"

   I tried to get over myself, but I'm just too awesome!

   Life is like a box of chocolates... you never know when you'll find a nut.

   I really need to find a girlfriend. Guy at poker table was like “This is my girlfriend, Kayla,” and I was like, “This is my sandwich, Ham.”

   with or without you, I'm still going...

   How the hell did Charles Manson get like 16 people to murder for him? I can't even get two kids to brush their teeth.

   man walks into a bar with a roll of tarmac under hes arm, hes says a pint for me and one for the road,,,

   Q: What do you call a blonde that dyes her hair? A: Artifical Intelligence

   I'm the kind of guy who dreams about naps while I'm asleep.

   If you're gonna flip out on your Facebook, don't delete it all the next day. Some of us still want to share your meltdown with our friends.

   congratulates singer Celine Dion and her grandfather on the birth of their twin boys.

   Just imagine if we all actually became what we said we wanted to be when we grew up... The World would be full of Ninjas, Princess, Mermaids and Dragon Slayers....

   Just Got Dumped Because Her Boyfirend Said He Couldnt Put Up With Her Filthy Habbits, I nearly choked on my toe nail

   God created man before woman... but there is always a rough draft before the masterpiece.

   An optimist laughs to forget, a pessimist forgets to laugh.

   Perseverance is not a passive submission to circumstances , it's not passive endurance -it's a strong and actve response to difficult events of life...it's the quality on standing on your feet as you face the storms..it's not simply the attitude on facing

   ...Dear Katy Perry: there were girls around with nice boobs before you were born. there will be girls around with nice boobs after you die. get over yourself, please.

   have you ever noticed that there are some people that don't need to be on facebook. They either inadvertenly cause drama, or they are prone to the late night drunken facebook status updates

   ‎- The term Friend is put about far too easy .... A friend to me is more about action then words !!!

   Some people were born just to take up space like the first slice of bread in a loaf.