Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   World Cup in Qatar? Does that mean 2024 Summer Olympics in Baghdad or Kabul?

   New TSA slogan: "It's not a grope....It's a freedom pat"

   trying to get in the Christmas spirit, but I can't get the damn bottle opened.

   I broke wind in front of an elderly customer today. She didn't think it was funny as I did.

   To be TOGETHER, you need TO-GET-HER

   Why don't you unbutton that blouse and let me get to know ya?

   I'd also like to learn how to spell GIANT one of these days

   I'd like to thank meth addicts for making buying allergy and cold medicine and ginat pain in the a$%

   Feeling like Mr. Pink, although everything is going wrong I'm going to make it out alive!!

   The Pope mobile: Because nothing says "I have faith in God!" like 4 inches of bulletproof glass.

   me and the wife do it doggy style , I sit up and beg and she rolls over and plays dead

   Everytime I read "Happy Hanukkah" It reminds me of 'Hakuna Matata''

   Everytime I read "Happy Hanukkah" It reminds me of 'Hakuna Matata''

   Can't wait for the new episode of Hoarders...now all I gotta do is find my television.

   I will not apologize for being awesome.

   Again, I can't hear you, because… I HAVE A BULLHORN

   Because I have a bullhorn and you do not! Your fancy book learnin' should've taught you that the strong do what they want, and the weak endure what they must.

   how much dryer detergent do you put in the dryer?

   Look, here's the deal: If you're into immature, sexually compulsive men who drink too much and need to be the center of attention at all times, you are going to find me very attractive.

   Gave my dogs the leftover turkey; now they're asleep beneath me with gas. Dog's ass... Not my idea of Aromatherapy...