Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Did you read the news? 4,000 Dead Birds Drop From the Sky! Looks like God likes playing Angry Birds too!! Tee Hee!

   If you're on the show "16 and Pregnant" you have a pretty good chance of being on the follow-up show "32 and a Grandmother"

   Your iPhone alarm didn't work? Well, as my great grandfather used to say on his deathbed, shortly before his demise....."too bad."

   everybody was working tonight, so I was forced to go to dinner with my parents! but wait, thats not the worst part. Upon arrival, they informed me that they would be drinking and only brought me to drive them home! fml

   kinda bummed New Year's Eve only happens once a year... we need more alcoholidays.

   gets drunk on one drink. The trouble is, I can't remember if it's the thirteenth or the fourteenth.

   's 2010 New Year's resolution is to re-enact the movie "The Hangover" in real life.

   thinks it's odd that people justify deer heads on their walls by saying they're beautiful animals. Hmmm.... I think my wife is beautiful.

   Do they have self help programs for procastinators?

   # is wondering on which day God created Justin Bieber... couldn't he have rested on that day too?

   reading other statuses but your status is important to him. Please stay online and your status will be read in priority sequence. Approximate wait time 17 min

   All I want is less to do, more time to do it, and higher pay for not getting it done.

   When someone comments on an old picture, your first thought is, "Wow I forgot about this! Thanks for the comment." immediately before this thought: "Why was this person looking through ALL my photos??"

   Next year we should just skip to 2013. Problem solved and a cool story for the history books.

   People are puzzled with all the dead birds in Arkansas...Really? It's Arkansas folks...just surprised they lasted as long as they did before they figured they could end their stay there by hurling themselves to the ground...

   Wow! They have little tablets to turn your bathwater different colors. You know what I had to go through to turn mine yellow.

   I wonder what is more of a rarity, a four-leaf clover or a heterosexual cowboys fan?

   Me and my girlfriend are having a communication problem. Every time I ring, her husband answers the phone.

   once took a piss into the gas tank of a freight truck as a joke. That freight truck is now known as optimis prime

   wondering what's the appropriate amount of time to wait, before it's okay to punch somebody for saying "Happy New Year"...apparently I started too soon...