Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   It's FRIDAY!!! CARPE SCROTUM . . . seize the day by the balls!!!

   If you have ever done anything foolish that could have caused grievous bodily injury to yourself. . . but didn't, I invite you to press like.

   My wife grew up in Liberty, Mississippi. I'm not saying Liberty is small or extremely Southern, but when you're in town and yell, "Hey Bubba!". . . EVERYONE turns and waves.

   I miss the days when their mother's loving kiss could solve all of my children's problems:o(

   tips to get through work... Adjust your screensaver accordingly, I'm currently at a strip club

   "Never say goodbye when you still want to try. never give up when you still feel that you can take it. ...never say you no longer love a person when you can't let go..

   says if someone questions your motives for doing something, throw them off by saying "I did it to protect you"

   I have enough caffeine in right now that I can probably pull off a Jessie Spanno... i'm so, i'm so, i'm so scared

   always confused when someone brings up Indians in a conversation...I never know if they are referring to the feather or slurpee ones....

   just fell in a fountain.

   When I see people outside, smoking in freezing temperatures, it makes me wonder what else I can get them to do.

   The things that come to those that wait, may only be the things left behind by those who got there first....

   Angry Birds is going to be turned into an animated series. If it's anything like the game an episode will be 30 seconds long, played 20 times in a row, and sure to piss people off.

   When you go cow tippin', do you only tip 15-20% of em?

   Do you know where I can score some nasal spray?

   According to Facebook my friend posting she was doing laundry then taking a nap is "Top News".

   I wish I was made up of 5 midgets, like a human Voltron.

   It hurts me to see your "I'm in a relationship" status on Facebook, how could you choose your toys over me! I HOPE YOUR BATTERIES DIE! >:(

   I've never tipped a cow. Then again, one has never served me food.

   Some doctor on TV this morning said the way to achieve inner peace is to finish all the things you have started. So I looked around my house to see things I'd started & hadn't finished, then I finished off a bottle of Gin, a bodle of Baileys, a butle of w