Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Did you know that dolphins are so smart that within a few weeks of captivity, they can train people to stand on the very edge of the pool and throw them fish?

   party in my treehouse at 430

   Ever have one of those days where you want to punch someone so hard in the mouth that they will have to stick a toothbrush up their a$$ to brush their teeth?

   "Everybody loves metal music, or if they don't, they should, or will eventually." - Metal Musicians

   you're like an open Facebook

   When the Old Spice Guy comes after your girl, your not offended, your honored.

   just asked if I wanted to contribute money to help ease the political unrest in Egypt.... For some reason I just can't get passed my initial worry that this could turn out to be a Pyramid Scheme

   Men are born between a woman's legs and spend the rest of their lives trying to get back in between them, Because theres no place like home.

   I have received several E-mails over the years called"The People of Walmart" I would like to start a new E-mail called"The people of the DMV" I was especially fond of the pregnant woman waiting next to us, feeding her toddlers a McDonalds breakfast. Honor

   atheists only exist cause they haven't tasted this grilled cheese I just made.

   take me drunk, I'm home!

   wondering... does anyone really believe that Barack Obama doesn't understand exactly what the Muslim Brotherhood is?

   I can't help but laugh at that Shake Weight commercial. If you've seen it, you know exactly why

   I need to move some money around. By that, I mean...I'm going to take the change from my console and convert it to bills, so I'll have money in my pocket!

   can't believe Mark Zuckerberg has a stalker. It's not like he puts all of his information out there or anything.

   it really necessary for the first square of toilet paper to be glued down?

   Sadly, "kangaroo on a trampoline" returned zero Youtube results.

   wondering, how many rich people in Nigeria is there? Cause every day, according to my emails, at least 5 die & want to leave me their money...

   met a girl last nite that charged by the inch... I didn't have enough money but I figured she'd be a good deal for you.

   Psychotherapy is like the boardgame Clue: "I know who did it. It was my mother, with the passive-aggression, in the 80's."