Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Having some states lockdown, and some states not lockdown is like having a peeing section in the pool.

   Can't believe it's only been a month we've been self quarantining is it feels more like I've been doing it since like 1979

   I've been single for so long someone asked me who I was with. I said AT&T.

   It started with a Bat. Then toilet paper. Now we are going nuts in quarantine. We really have gone Bat $#!t Crazy!

   Below is a great example of Limey humor and why it's relegated to only PBS stations here in the states.

   I’m papering walls in the loo, And quite frankly I haven’t a clue. For the pattern’s all wrong, Or the paper’s too long, And I’m stuck to the toilet with glue.

   Married people be like: [Quarantine, day 10] It’s been 89 days since I last had sex

   Narrator: The Blue Ringed Octopus while cute, is not recommended for the home aquarist. No larger than a golf ball, it contains enough venom to kill 26 humans. Handling one would result in certain death. Me: I need one

   Around a third (42%) of parenting is pretending you understand your child’s homework

   Watched my neighbor pull off this morning with his coffee on top of his car. I could have warned him, but I’m out of stuff to watch.

   I’m amazed at how frequently scientists use memes to publish the results of their studies.

   My wife just said that if I don't get off my computer and help with the dishes shes gonna slam my head on the keyboard but I think shes jokinhwnnriowenjauhuhyfewbh48943983wbedjhhfws7hg873243nbiu2q378hgfdbuifqbqwuiehguh-asdhnjqweiorijndaklajhb

   Your quarantine name is your first name followed by your last name.

   I’d be more motivated to work out if the stationary bikes had a little basket to hold my snacks and beer

   Someone please inform the meatball below that those numbers aren't factoring in population differences and percentages.

   I'm not saying she's a slut but whenever she eats a banana in public, she puts one hand behind her head.

   Some people are as useful as a white crayon.

   There are two key elements to success. 1. Never tell anyone everything you know.

   I wonder if Buzz and Woody ever met some of Andy's mom's toys. Especially since they probably have the same names...

   $50 bucks for a 3lb Honey Baked Ham. It sure better come with Honey, and her sister.