Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   With all this quarantining the earth is cleaning up! Let's keep it that way. Remember, the earth isn't Uranus!

   I really hope the post office finds my $200 package from eBay & that someone didn’t actually steal it off my porch.

   The law doesn't allow polygamy ,so I got me a wife with Multiple personalities .

   The 11th Commandment:...Thou shalt not covid thy neighbor

   Pro Tip: Add some chicken bones and bay leaves to canned soup and everyone will think you made it.

   Pro Tip: If you don’t have a mask, wearing a jock strap on your face tends to keep people at least 6 feet away from you.

   Walmart is asking customers to wear masks. Good luck with that. They can't even get them to wear pants...

   I see Netflix is already making documentaries about the Coronavirus. Like jeez thanks Netflix just what I want to watch!

   My laundry detergent was swept out to sea by a fast moving current. R.I.P. Tide

   The man should always walk next to the curb with the woman walking next to the building. That way, if someone shoves a piano out of a 6th story window, she's the one who gets it.

   I need to social distance myself from my refrigerator so I can flatten my curve.

   If anyone is feeling hysterical please stop by my house and I will slap you

   NOTICE: Drive thru weddings at the First State Bank from 6-10pm. Put $50 in the money drawer and out comes a marriage license and two rolls of Smarties. God bless.

   *Love in the time of coronavirus* Hey baby, want to go back to my place and play find the paper cut with the hand sanitizer?

   My ex got married yesterday. Should I send them a card or just the screenshots of him trying to get me back when they were dating ?

   I just unzipped my skinny jeans and it startled me like a freshly poked tube of biscuit dough.

   My husband ordered a hearing aid off of Amazon. I’m so screwed you guys.

   If my dog’s front feet move while he’s asleep then I know he’s dreaming about playing the piano. If it’s his back feet, tap dancing.

   Apparently granny panties and crocs was not the answer he was looking for when he messaged ‘baby what are you wearing?’

   two months from now, toilet paper still remains out of stock. the people begin to riot. the charmin bears perch upon their mountain of wealth, watching humanity suffer