Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Looks like Madonna and I have something in common...Neither of us have ever sung at the Superbowl

   Some families argue over pizza toppings. We argue over who's gunna keester a balloon of dope for my Aunt when we visit her in Jail tomorrow.

   i'd give you everything if I knew you wouldn't take it.

   I think before a suicide bomber decides to blow himself up, he should smell puppy breath. I bet it'd stop almost all of them.

   Regardless of how much it snows...there is always a guy trying to drive around in his no-wheel drive camero or mustang

   so....has anyone else ever noticed....that Kurt Cobain killed himself one month after Justin Bieber was born....I guess Kurt knew....

   It's always awkward to wake up at 5 am and t-pain is sitting on the edge of your bed..

   Great game Knicks...and I thought that Asians couldn't drive..

   Beauty is in the eye of the Beer Holder

   My girlfriend is out with her husband tonight. Of all the nerve!

   The Bible says, "Thou shalt not covet thy neighbor's wife." It doesn't say anything about the one who lives across town.

   To make sure your neighbor knows it was their car alarm that went off, it can be helpful to put a cinderblock through their windshield.

   Does anyone else think that when Tolkien wrote "Do not meddle in the affairs of wizards for they are subtle and quick to anger" he just substituted "Wizard" for "Women"?

   Valentines Day is next week! Or Tuesday, as I refer to it.

   I wouldn't say I'm an alcoholic. I'd slur it.

   Even this straight jacket can't stop me from updating my status.

   swears that my pillow must be a hair stylist because I wake up every morning with the weirdest hair dos

   tonight I'm gonna party like it's $19.99 (recession joke).

   do you know what really makes me smile? Facial muscles.

   wanna hear a joke? valentines day.