Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Tortilla paper. When everyone buys out all the toilet paper again, I’ll be using expired tortillas.

   Breaking news!!! They are making a sequel to "Unforgiven" . It's called "Look, I said I was sorry".

   Has anyone suggested the Google Earth app to the Flat Earth Society?

   Remember, it’s not actually a coup unless it comes from the coup d'état region of france, otherwise it’s just a sparkling authoritarian takeover.

   If you're over 23 and you post pics of yourself flipping the bird, just accept the fact that you're a complete imbecile.

   Keep smiling... and one day life will get tired of upsetting you.

   I joined the Flat Earth Society. I'm hoping they see my stomach the same way they see the planet.

   How come no one has came up with a skeleton turkey inflatable with a santa hat on so you can put it out october 1st and take it down after Christmas.

   Interviewer: Why did you bring a lawyer to a job interview? My lawyer: You don’t have to answer that

   bert: I want a divorce wife: are u… bert: don’t wife: *holding in laughter* are you sherbert?

   My daughter just found the dog leash and collar Which would be less awkward to explain if we actually had a dog

   Threesome? No, thanks. If I wanted to disappoint two people at once, I'd have dinner with my parents.

   I put the thingamajig in the whatchamacallit and turned doohickey and wuteveritis still doesn't work. Any ideas?

   The season is upon us and I personally enjoy a nice port wine for dessert. However sometimes a starboard wine is the right choice.

   has anything been recalled more than romaine? honest question

   when my wife was in labor with our first kid 11 yrs ago I was next to her in the hospital room. with my laptop tending to my farmville crops that needed harvesting. Follow me for more caring husband advice.

   Did you know the word incorrectly is spelled incorrectly in every English dictionary?

   Adding a few Barbie limbs to the dead bugs in a porchlight is a fun way to tell guests they should’ve left before dark.

   Her: Why are you videoing that microwave meal? Me: The instructions say ‘remove packaging and film’

   Spent $20 on face coverings for my kids but I’m saving thousands of dollars on braces.