Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   3rd migraine now in a week. I'm starting to think one of you has a voodoo doll of me somewhere.

   We should all probably give Kim Kardashian a break. She's doing the best she can, breathing on her own and stuff.

   Your anger issues really flourish when you're hungry.

   I don't care how long you've been married, the appropriate gift for an anniversary should be sex.

   First time dating a French girl, I wanted to look classy so I ordered foie gras & a grand cru. She ordered burger & fries. Now I'm the b!tch in this relationship.

   If by "people skills" you mean doing everything possible to avoid people then I have really good people skills.

   You call it 'laziness', I call it 'laziness' too because I don't feel like coming up with an alternate excuse.

   Morning wood should be renamed to "Try not to pee on the ceiling."

   I'm not comfortable with the fact that there's a skeleton inside me.

   Shouldn't love handles really be called hate handles since nobody really wants them?

   If you expect a good comeback, come back later.

   Cheers to Friday & the weekend, but most of all thanks to good weather & friends who will get together!!!

   Maroon 5's song "Payphone" - my kids heard that song and asked, what's a payphone?

   There are only two things I want out of life! 1. Lose Weight 2. Eat!

   got sacked from my job as a bingo caller last night. Apparently "A meal for two with a hairy view" is an unacceptable way to describe the number 69...

   found it really hard getting over my addiction to the Hokey Cokey, but I've turned myself around, and I guess that's what it's all about....

   I'm a guy that loves to show a woman exactly what I like sexually. So I start off every first date with a 2-hour PowerPoint presentation.

   I want to be a bartender for thirty minutes some night, just to put actual rocks in some drinks. Till I get bored. Or punched in the throat.

   Somehow ended up falling asleep reading about plant sexuality last night. Gotta watch out for those polygamodioecious ones. Freaks.

   Finally got around to shaving my crotch after a few years. Its nice to see my knees again.