Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Wife: every time we argue, you think you're right.... Me: yes, if I thought you were right, we wouldn't be arguing...

   I took out an ad for a girlfriend recently and 10 guys tried to give me theirs...

   kind of surprised I'm not an action figure by now...

   Wife asked me if I liked Cranberry for Thanksgiving, I said that depends on what you serve it with. She said Turkey and Gravy? I said no silly, VODKA....!!! If looks could kill....

   I said to my niece, “There are two words I'd like you to drop from your vocabulary. One is ‘awesome' and the other is ‘gross'.” “Okay,” she replies, “what are they?”

   You call it reckless driving, I call it searching for my lighter.

   People think I'm sleeping in this tent to see that stupid Twilight movie, I'm just first in line for Black Friday.

   rubbing cats against ballons and then attatching them to walls

   I don't believe in one night stands but I'm all for two night stands!!

   Since whiskey on the rocks is good; it's a good thing when my wife says our marriage is on the rocks, right??

   looking for a meaningful overnight relationship!

   My favorite Black Friday tradition is watching the day's Walmart tramplings on the evening news.

   The Dukes of Hazzard was the best show ever, General Lee speaking

   Seriously Justin Bieber clean sweeps the American Awards? I have lost faith in all American voting systems.

   If you are thinking of having an affair, just remember the head of the CIA couldn't even get away with it.

   First it was the infamous bus driver uppercut. Again another bus driver, gets into an altercation with another young girl, this time over loud music. Good idea for a game consult?

   I kinda wish I was sober enough to remember what really happened. One moment we was having fun, the next thing I knew, its Monday and I'm getting emails..... R.I.P - Saturday & Sunday

   so I didn't want to wake up this morning and go to work. It's not that I don't like my job, it's just that I like being lazy more...

   I became a professional fisherman, but discovered that I couldn't live on my net income.

   running in front of cars some sort of gang initiation for squirrels?