Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I'd be concerned with making a concerted effort to not write '2012' on my checks if it wasn't 2013, and the fact that I haven't written an actual check in over 10 years.

   Whenever I start to hate my job I think about the camera crew that has to follow the Kardashian's 24/7.

   Letsh Have Shex! - Horny Sean Connery

   I will dance with the devil, but I will always take the lead.

   Technically they're not prostitutes if you refuse to pay them.

   I once stopped a woman's hiccups by pinching her nipple, I had no idea if it would work but guys will think of anything to touch a boob.

   To predict how someone is going to treat you, look at how they treat the waiters.

   ''Now I ain't sayin' she a gold digger, but she havin' ma' baby. Now I ain't sayin' she a ho either, but we ain't married.''

   As if the world didn't have enough Kardashian genetic material already.

   Dear atheist, if God doesn't exist, then explain why Kim Kardashian is famous?

   Just because I don't like you doesn't mean I want you to stop being in love with me.

   HIM: What's wrong? HER: Nothing. HIM: Sure? HER: Yes. HIM: Ok. Well, I'll go now. HER: Whatever! HIM: What's wrong? HER: Nothing - statusBroughtToYouByPMS

   How do some people manage to get their plastic smiles & fake laughters glued to their faces for so long? #Apologies to plastics & glues

   Was thinking of buy my boyfriend a bunkbed so I could be on top more often

   i rang triple 0 the other day,,The bloke said"what,s the emergency"?I said "there,s two naked women in my loungeroom fighting over me"! He said"Whats wrong with that"? I said ,"THE FAT ONES WINNING!!!!!"

   I was at the pool and I thought I would try and get away with a sneaky wee in the deep end. The lifeguard must have noticed because he blew his whistle so frigging loud I nearly fell in,!!

   Who says I want a better view of her heart you moron, when I unbutton her shirt, the only view I am interested in is of her magnificent twins.

   The scary thing is that Snooki's tattoo is more manly than Bieber's.

   i wish hot people stalked my life instead of losers

   Q: What is the difference between a Hell'$ Angel and Jehovah's Witness? A: The Hell'% Angel comes to your door and tells YOU to "F*&%k Off!!"