Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   The first rule of Zombie Club is: Try not to sprain your ankle.

   If you watch Tarzan with your eyes closed, it's just Phil Collins singing in the jungle.

   I'm not sure why my dog enjoys watching me have sex but I'm sure deep down she's thinking "B itch stole my move..."

   True love cannot be found until you can find a mutual comfort level in the thermostat of your home.

   Lord, I did as you asked and loved my neighbor. But now her husband is outside with a gun and… OMG NO STEVE I WAS DOING THE LORD'S WORK!!!

   High pulp, no pulp, with Calcium, w/o Calcium… WTF happened to just regular OJ??

   I went to Hy-Vee where there is supposed to be a helpful smile in every isle. False advertising. I had to walk down 5 isles to get help!!

   When this Ho on Maury found out that the 36th dude tested wasn't the Father, she ran so far backstage, I flipped the Channel and she was running across the set of ESPN!

   When they hand me my napkins at the drive thru, I reach for them, while pretending to masturbate, and shout "Hurry, hurry, hurry!"

   You know you're getting old when cops make you feel safe instead of nervous.

   maybe Taylor should try dating girls. I hear Biebs is available...

   Please pray for the guy holding his girlfriend's hand and trying to use his phone with his other hand. You can do it buddy.

   Okay, so I signed up for Missionary work. Here I sit in Uganda and still no sex. Sheesh!

   Often times when rappers say "y'all know what this is" I act like I do but deep down I don't

   Tyler Swift should just accept that she is a total failure at relationships.

   Oh s hit! Tylor Swift broke up with her boyfriend last week. Better brace yourself for a man-bashing breakup album anytime now.

   Christina what happen baby? It's like those fish nets caught a whale. Christina, when did you go from "genie in a bottle" to "pigs in a blanket"?

   That a wkward m oment when you realize the last stair you thought was there isn't.

   Nobody gives a about how amazing your relationship is. You're on Facebook. It can't be that good.

   A cop stopped me and said "License please" so I offered him a donut and said "I donut have one" and we laughed and laughed and now I am behind bars.