Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Justin Timberlake's grown a beard. We get it, Justin. You're edgy. Now get back to writing songs about how a girl made you cry

   Okay class. Today is our field trip to the Planetarium. Did everyone remember to bring pot brownies?

   Girl, I hate you so much its like you're my girlfriend.

   When I stay at a woman's house that I want to see again I always "accidentally" lose something there like my phone, my hat, or my dignity.

   The most beautiful women are often the most insecure, so don't forget to treat them like garbage too once in a while.

   i can come up with plenty of ways to do nothing.

   I might not be the sharpest knife in the drawer but I will still cut you.

   B is the best letter of the alphabet: Boobs, Buns, Booty, Booze, Beer, Bourbon, and Bacon.

   I hate boyfriends of women I have a crash on. So pardon me while I hate on your douchebag of a boyfriend.

   Step aside coffee… this is a job for booze.

   if your FB name includes your college degree initials, you are a douche...

   Who do atheists thank for Friday?

   Do these binoculars make my hot neighbor look fat?

   How many times does one need to watch BET before their credit score is affected?

   I'm trying to save the world from the dangers of alcohol, one drink at a time.

   A headache when my husband is not home is a waste of pain.

   Let me fondle them with both hands in front of everyone so I know they’re real.

   Coworker: "I can't eat anything that looks too much like it did before it was dead." Me: "You sound terrible at sex."

   if Da Vinci were alive today, the "Mona Lisa" would have been called "IMG-20125215-00854.jpg"

   If maxi pad commercials didn't exist,,, Men Still would have no idea, that girls are full of blue windshield wiper fluid.