Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I'm right 98% of the time. Who cares about the other 3%?

   I just found out the big difference between an oral thermometer and a rectal thermometer? The taste.

   I'm sorry. Did the middle of my sentence interrupt the beginning of yours?

   Some people only have two senses, Bourbon and revenge.

   The world is full of people who are grabbing and self-seeking.

   Beggars should be abolished. It annoys one to give to them, and it annoys one not to give to them.

   If I was Ivanovic I'd get a Rabies injection, best to be on the safe side

   I would love nothing more than to see the Heat to lose in the first round.

   Some people think I'm quiet, others wish I was.

   LISTEN,, I know I said that I acquired language skills in utero, but perhaps I spoke too soon.

   knows he is a man now because he just found a hair down there.

   It's good to see that Suarez has finally tasted champions league success.

   Luis Suarez - if you cant beat them bite them!

   My level of sarcasm has reached a dangerous level where even I don't know if I'm kidding or not.

   The problem with the world today is that way too many people are living their lives in theory in the virtual world.

   Open your mind before your mouth.

   someone needs to engineer some jokes

   4/21...Happy Surprise Random Drug Test Day.

   Todd Harrell, The bassist for rock band 3 Doors Down has been charged with vehicular homicide by intoxication after he was involved in a crash that killed another driver. Sources say he will be starting a new band called, 3 Cells Down.

   In the London Marathon I did 4 hours, 1 minute and 9 seconds last year. Will try to beat that, but I seem to get bored and turn over to watch something else.