Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I like reserving tables at restaurants using unique names so I can hear the hostess announce, "Optimus Prime? Your table for 2 is ready!"

   So 78,000 people applied for a one way trip to Mars huh? Hopefully they were all members of congress...

   Free joke for rats: Pick up a cashew and pretend to use it as a phone.

   my life is like a romantic comedy except there's no romance & its just me laughing at my own jokes.

   I love your eyes, but I love mine more...because without them, I won't see yours.

   Happy Mothers Day to all the wonderful MILFs out there!

   Happy Mother's Day & Everyday to all the Moms out there.

   They told me women likes edible undies, So far the only thing I've attracted with these edible undies is ants.....

   "Happy Mothers Day, here is your injunction" - Kobe

   "No thanks, I'm vegetarian" is a fun thing to say when someone tries to hand you their baby.

   I wish you could Google anything. Liikke, "Where the F you ck is my phone?" and it would be lliikke, "It's under the couch dumbass......lol good night peeps!!!!!

   Facebook is like having your own talk show except you don't get paid and your studio is the bathroom.

   Idk what was worse, the fact that my girlfriend text me saying "sorry breaking up with you" or that a minute later she text me back "sorry wrong number."

   Thinking about kicking her out my Cheaters Elite club! I only deal with ppl who can find the answers for quizes fast! Not slow ppl who needs me to show them how Google came up with the answers..

   Facebook: Because why not think out loud to a bunch of strangers on the internet?

   I'm only 1/2 Italian. Luckily, it's the half from the waist down.

   53% of all Jedi marriages end in da force.

   The Sleep Number bed commercial came on & the spokeswoman asked "So what's YOUR sleep number?" I hollered out "80 proof."

   We say we love and are fully behind our soldiers risking their lives fighting for our freedom and protecting us from our enemies yet we pay them peanuts while we make millionaires out of sportmen, movie stars, Justin Bieber, the Kadarshians, Kanye west.

   Wonder what Emeniem does for his mom on Mother's Day ?