Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I get a lot of “You must work out!!!” I just wish it wasn’t from doctors

   I never follow my heart because involuntary, myogenic organs are terrible decision makers

   Drake has female tendencies.

   "Let there be me." God, just before he created himself out of nothing.

   Taco bell now serves breakfast. America is truly a magical place.

   Three weeks without a signal typo!

   If a tree falls in a forest and no one is around,,, Will the entire tree still be used to print a single CVS receipt?

   Money doesn’t buy happiness... Wait, look at all of those smiling women walking around wearing diamonds.

   "My son, one day all this will be yours," I say proudly, sweeping my hand over reams of medical charts that explain all our familys genetic defects.

   What is the term for a group of Canadians?.. Is it "an apology"?.... as in, "Oh look, there goes an apology of Canadians"

   Life Tip: Always read medication instructions in a mocking voice

   I'm just here for the friend zones.

   Not now life... come back when I'm drunk.

   Women keep making fun of my fanny pack but they feel dumb when they discover I have cupcakes there.

   a girlfriend someone I'm supposed to like or not? I forget how this works.

   He said: "I have this certain animal magnatism about me." She said: "Yes, you do tend to attract animals."

   Great News for YOU during these financially challenging times. I found a prostitute who charges by the inch. Obviously, I can't afford her, but I thought you might enjoy an inexpensive night out.

   I'm disgusted when I see some old guy with a younger woman. Or a younger guy with a younger woman. Just couples. Or groups. Any person.

   If you're ever feeling down on your appearance, remember: even the ugliest potato can become a beautiful French fry

   I feel like everything in my life has led me to you. My choices, my heartbreaks, my regrets. Everything. And when we’re together, my past seems worth it. Because if I had done one thing differently, I might have never met you.