Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Never, ever ask a woman if she’s pregnant unless you see an actual baby being born. Even then, act surprised.

   The wind is proper whipping it up out there, guess I won't be taking the broom out for a spin tonight

   Nothing says poor life choices like the guy with the half smoked cigarette behind his ear

   adam's diary day 1: we arrived on earth, weather's nice, a bit quiet, both adjusting well day 2: eve is talking to a snake

   Alright ISIS, Honey Boo Boo has been canceled. You can stop now.

   I tried stuff once. It was horrible.

   I'll never understand why men lie about the size of their d*icks... *puts on padded push up bra*

   WoW! Sit-Downs are way easier than Sit-Ups!

   It's unhealthy the amount of pressure society put on adults having to behave.

   Sorry I photobombed your selfie, but I needed an alibi.

   Oh My God Becky

   Monica Lewinski's whole experience at the White House left a bad taste in her mouth.

   Here's a joke about ebola, you probably won't get it though.

   n't it weird that after 30,000 years of eating bread, everyone is gluten allergic now?

   Every Chrysler commercial should begin with them apologizing for the PT Cruiser.

   It's getting harder and harder to tell Dog the Bounty Hunter and his wife apart.

   I hate when people ask questions during movies like do you not understand that a movie purposely doesn’t tell you things in order to build suspense

   he instructions for my funeral are for someone to come up front at the end and padlock my coffin shut just to freak everyone out.

   Pro tip: when you're watching a show like "my five wives" with your wife, don't suggest potential additional wives.

   RIP Mrs Kotter