Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Pee is the enemy of sleep

   When your surrounded by enemies the only thing to do is pull the pin on your grenade and smile!

   Before you knew it, the here and now was 30 yrs ago. . .

   Behind every beautiful girl is the ugly relationship that made her scared to love again

   I find it extremely ironic that "strap on" is "no parts" spelled backwards.

   Your feet & the inside of your car tell me everything about a woman.

   7 years ago I met the love of my life and have been blessed every day since then... I love you Nutella.

   What kind of downward spiral would cause a person to "like" cream cheese on Face book?

   I knew the Psychic was no good the moment she accepted my check

   I make one mistake and my pharmacist now adds "by mouth" on the prescription label.

   Football is on. I'll talk to you guys in February.

   The line was a little long at my pharmacy so I grabbed my cell phone and pretended to call someone. The line emptied quickly when I described my contagious rash and the fact that no doctor had found a medicine that would cure it yet. Good times.

   With all the seriousness going on in the world, its imperative I let you know that a sex addict can always beat his addiction

   I think the winner should aspire to greater things than a chicken dinner...

   Washes entire car with the squeegee at the gas pump

   1 out of every 3 Obama supporters are as stupid as the other two

   Industry has invented a machine which can pin point the exact location of any pungent smell. Dogs around the world are praising this device!

   Since it started raining all my wife has done is look through the stupid window... If it gets any worse, I'll have to let her in.

   My wife and I just renewed our vows of celibacy.

   9:03. North snores as Kanye sings a lullaby. Furious, Kanye claps & she jumps awake. "You think you can fall asleep during my performance?"