Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Her: Real men like curves. Me: No. Real men like whatever the (bleep) they want.

   I rather be proven wrong scientifically than lied to religously.

   20mph school zones are only making our children's reaction time worse.

   Welcome to Chopped. Your mystery basket ingredients are four of your exes, from which you must create one decent human being.

   Twitter is a fun, safe place to share your feelings if you don't mind being told to go kill yourself.

   Wait come back, I didn't mean it when I was just being myself.

   Judge: You're sentenced to death. You'll be hung. Wife from the back: HE'S ALREADY HUNG. Me: Your Honor uncuff me so I can high five my wife

   I don't have tattoos for the same reason I don't have children -- I'm afraid if someone tells me they're ugly, I won't want them anymore.

   Between Bruce (Caitlyn) Jenner and Rachel (NAACP) Dolezal I am now thoroughly convinced that I am a black woman trapped in a white mans body! Mmmmhmm! Hooooo Damn! Girl!

   The NAACP: Now with no artificial colors.

   So I met an Egyptian, they walk just like us.

   Don't mess with me. I could accelerate global warming by a decade by releasing the methane trapped in my office chair.

   I'm watching the same movie thats been on all week..."Complete Signal Loss"

   Men everywhere should appreciate Starbucks attempt to brainwash women into believing that grande means medium.

   Atheist don't hate unicorns or fairys or leprechauns because you can't hate something that isn't real. Atheist hate God because He is real.

   Cocaine so white it's head of the NAACP.

   Wait NAACP: Now you're sayin that " Once you go b!ack,,, you CAN go back?"

   Geesh calm down everbody... Maybe Rachel Dozel just considers herself a "incog-negro"

   Pro Tip: Its easy to smuggle booze into work if you put it into your stomach first.

   a blind man went to a silent movie ....