Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   You can unfollow me on Twitter, unfriend me on Facebook, take down all our Instagram pics, and ignore all my texts, but you will never be able to unlick my butthole.

   Secure passwords are important. So I named my dog "x_9J6B=oM%"

   My parents never let me play with anything magical or watch anything violent as a kid. I just had family-friendly games trying to figure out who murdered this guy in the library with a wrench.

   The 26.2 sticker in the rear window of my car is to signify how many beers I drink in a typical weekend.

   I haven't vacuumed since two thousand and Facebook .

   One man's LOL is another man's WTF

   HOT RACCOONS IN YOUR AREA WANT TO DO YOUR EYE MAKEUP TOMORROW MORNING

   Two praying mantis' sitting in a tree. K-I-S-S-I......... Oh crap,,, did you see that? Daaaamn... She straight up ate him.

   I've decided to become a Veterinarian and a taxidermist so no matter what, you'll get your dog back.

   as many times as I've been called "that mother f*cker" in my life, I better be getting a Mother's Day card and gift too.

   If you ever get cold and don't have a sweater, stand in a corner for a few minutes, they're usually 90 degrees.

   Why did humans invent hell, when there are enough real things to be scared of, like emotional commitment, marriage and a woman on her period.

   Jerk off so hard your sperm dies of shaken baby syndrome.

   This old couple kept staing at me while I was eating my ice cream cone so when I finished, I ate the napkin too!

   A gentleman is someone who can play the accordion but won't

   When I see a tire swing swaying gently in the breeze, I like to believe its daydreaming about life on the open road.

   A handful of almonds is a sensible snack to throw in someone's face & demand where the real snacks are

   I got a job as a store greeter. But apparently "You again?" wasn't the greeting they had in mind.

   I spend the first few hours of every day killing weeds in my front yard and the last few hours of every day smoking them in my backyard.

   Hamburglar returns home with bag of hamburgers* *his wife, holding a crying baby, slaps the bag out of his hands* "WE NEED MONEY, DAMMIT!"