Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Happy 4/21 -national surprise drug test day!

   Has it ever occurred to optimists and pessimists that the glass is refillable?

   Opened the bathroom cupboard and a bunch of my wifes feminine hygiene products fell out on me. it was a Tampede...

   You can't see the forest through the bees.

   I´ll bet a beer that you won´t bring me one! *gotcha*

   Feeling Bored? Post a status on Facebook that says " Hillary Clinton 2016" and buckle up for the ride of your life.

   fun fact: shut up

   Her stripper name is "for god's sake, put some clothes on"

   Be advised Ladies: Once I show you my Knight Rider lunchbox from 1985, foreplay has officially begun.

   My vacuum cleaner doesn't suck as much as it used to, it must have gotten married.

   Look all I'm saying is that if it was not meant to be eaten, it wouldn't be shaped like a taco..

   In the event of a nuclear war, the only things that will survive are roaches . Which means US should still have a functioning government

   Anal bleaching... Because some a**holes need to lighten up.

   Now that everyone has cameras you'd think there would be more pictures of UFOs, Bigfoots, ghosts, etc.

   I bet "Game of War" would do better if they'd just spend a few bucks on advertising.

   Day 12.. I haven't eaten apple in a week,, the doctors are slowly getting thru the barricade, I won't last very long, tell my family I love em

   Just got an email saying "want to see Taylor Swift Live"? I thought it was a ransom demand....

   Accidentally went grocery shopping hungry and now I'm the proud owner of isle 6...

   When I was younger I always wanted to marry a doctor for money. Now I just want the prescriptions.

   Fighting fire with fire seems like a waste of time and resources. I'd use Justin Bieber.