Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Trust me ...... I can't believe I'm still here either.

   Clearly skinny jeans are easier to obtain than skinny genes

   I am always either sleep deprived, sex deprived, food deprived or all of the above

   I used to question how much information was too much information. Joined Facebook It's much clearer now

   Relationships can only have one emotionally unstable person, and I am always that person.

   My love life is like a unicorn. I don't have a unicorn.

   Only way I'm having sex for 3 hours is if we taking a nap for the first 2hrs 56 min

   You make me want to be a drunker person

   It's so cold outside I just saw a teenager with his pants pulled all the way up!

   I made a poem for my coworkers.. " Don't bother me at lunch,,, Don't bother me at lunch... Don't bother me at lunch... Don't bother me at lunch.."

   What do you mean I have to tie up my robe?.. This is a cape.

   Success is not owned. It is leased....and the rent is due everyday

   If you hold up a Shell and listen carefully, you can hear the cashier telling you he doesn't want any trouble.

   Only 40 days till Christmas... you know what that means? 41 days till I jump back in the dating pool!!

   The show "Toddlers and Tiaras" was so named because "Strippers in Training" and "Mothers with Self-esteem Issues" just wasn't as catchy.

   Pro Tip: You can't fix stupid with duct tape, but at least you can keep it quiet for a while.

   I was born in the USA, but now I live in Absurdistan.

   A BJ A Day Keeps Divorce Lawyers Away

   The first guy who bought pants had to go to the store without pants on, that's just science

   I'm a feminist, but not like a "wants to pay my own bills" feminist.