Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Statistically you are more likely to die from being in Lynyrd Skynyrd than from Ebola.

   My wife started clipping coupons to help save us money. She keeps them in her $3,000 Louis Vuitton purse....

   According to the “you snooze you lose” principle, insomnia should have me surpassing that doped up whack job Charlie Scheen in the winning department!

   It’s so embarrassing when you say, "I love you, too," only to realize the person was waving to someone behind you.

   Well, son, when a man loves a woman very much he expresses that love by slowly transforming into a human sloth.

   People complain about voters making bad decisions but what else would you expect from a nation with 7 successful cupcake-based reality shows

   Saw a guy with flames tattooed all over his face. I hope someday he finds a girl who has marshmallows tattooed all over hers.

   I've never known you to sweat the petty stuff. Although I have known you to pet sweaty stuff.

   Fair warning to bros calling me a sissy... your face WILL be posted on my Pinterest.

   Women think it's reasonable to turn you down for sex and get mad when you JO. Save yourself some time and stop trying to figure her out.

   I wish gyms had a "montage" option

   A drunk walks into a bar with jumper cables around his neck. The bartender says, "You can stay but don't try to start anything."

   I like being as surprised as everyone else by what comes out of my mouth

   Doctor: You have bronchitis Me: OMG I've always wanted a dinosaur!What do I feed it?

   Seriously, who the hell goes to North Korea and expect to have a good time there?

   Maybe her drawn eyebrows are all she has left.

   Man is the only animal that blushes - or needs to.

   I may not be 2014 healthy,,, but I'm 1814 healthy.

   So if your invited to someone's 4th marriage is it wrong to give them a gift certificate to a good divorce attorney?

   Not to brag or anything,,, but I got the high score on my bathroom scale today.