Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   nobody raised hell when I was a victim of domestic violenece....Tiger Woods

   I don't think I could ever stab someone... I mean lets be honest. I can barely get the straw through a Capri Sun

   Relationship status: Just got screamed at for peeling the carrots wrong.

   Studies say that self inflicted bow and arrow suicides are down 1000 % since 1755.

   I recently had a bad break up with Mari Juana. I am going to miss her.

   If TuPac and Biggie were still alive Kanye would be folding t-shirts at The Gap right now

   I'm going to switch my insurance from Geico to Allstate, then Statefarm, then back to Geico. If i'm correct, they should owe me $950.

   How do I give this U2 album back?

   Anyone going to vegas? Put money on the Prison Football team to win it all!

   The people naming dinosaurs should teach the people naming hurricanes how to name stuff.

   I just got bukkaked by a Krispy Kreme

   There any women out here looking to $exually abuse a grown man. Asking for a friend. . .

   System, please delete all my feelings for her. WARNING: The file is too big. Might take years to delete.

   *Wife blows me a kiss from across the room* *I pretend to catch it* *I walk over to the window and toss it outside* "Grow up Karen"

   [shows up late for first day of new job] *blames it on rush hour* [shows up late for second day of new job] *blames it on rush hour 2*

   When I first met my girlfriend two years ago she told me she was Bi. Little did I know it was "Polar".

   HEY GRAPEFRUIT, know what else is a grape AND a fruit? GRAPES. yeah. so get your own name you citrus idiot

   Pretty nice opinion you got there. It'd be a shame if someone were to...not give a sh*t about it

   Next time during church, stand up and ask your pastor "Have you ever turned down heroin?" Both Yes and No are equally entertaining answers.

   I met this great woman, I sweet talk her and say all the right things. She says I wish there were more men like you. I sent her a poem and she no longer wants to see me. So much for having feelings. . .