Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   "If EVERYTHING tastes like us,,, Why do WE have to die then"????..... CHICKENS

   When people ask me Plz because it’s shorter than please, I tell them no because it’s shorter than yes.

   The first assembly instruction for all IKEA furniture should be open 1 beer.

   I think you have a deficiency in vitamin me.

   It seems as if I come across the most scary spiders while I'm in the bathroom. For that, I am somewhat grateful

   Naked and Afraid also describes the last time I spent a night at a Holiday Inn

   People who work on their tablets all day and play games all night burn the Kindle at both ends.

   We had it all Just like Bogie and Bacall Sailing away to Key Largo Here's lookin' at you kid RIP

   I want a girl who's a Kanye West in the streets and a Kanye West in the sheets. - Kanye West

   Somewhere the socks and Tupperware lids are throwing a hell of a party.

   Well, I wouldn't exactly go so far as to say NO diggity...

   I just wanna be the reason your therapist can afford to buy a Mercedes

   If you don't have anything nice to say, I hope it's about someone I hate.

   You sound happily in a relationship. UNFRIEND...BLOCK...UNFOLLOWED.

   Don't be insensitive and call her trailer park trash when modular home trash sounds so much better...

   I always tip the delivery guy an extra $5 if he doesn't look around for the other 4 people all this pizza would feed.

   No, the tear drop tattoo doesn't mean I killed someone. I just like people to know that I'm sad when I'm sober.

   No Grandma, EBOLA is not a new perfume from Kim Kardashian

   Legos are practice for when you get older & buy Ikea furniture

   If I ever get real rich, I hope I'm not mean to poor people, like I am now.