Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   *cooking omelette for wife..... Me: “Want extra cheese, babe?”...Wife: “Sure baby”... * Slowly turns up Nickleback cd...

   My band is so indie we don't even record together. You have to buy 4 separate cds and play them at the same time.

   Merry Half-Christmas! Enjoy the holiday, everyone.....

   Do you even realize I have zeros and zeros of women lining up to get with this?

   "Doc, you gotta help me I'm under so much stress. I keep losing my temper." "Tell me about your problem." "I just did, you f*¢king moron!"

   A group of babies is called i'm leaving

   They say that nobody is perfect, then they say that practice makes perfect. I wish they'd make up their mind

   K-Mart is noting the 5 year anniversary of Michael Jackson's death by having children's clothing half off.

   Aaa the economy. The only people doing good is some black guy, his wife, two daughters.. and they live in a big white house they don't belong in. . .

   Heard Suarez got a cold shoulder from his teammates last night

   My boss said “Dress for the job you want, not the job you have.” Now I’m sitting in a disciplinary meeting dressed as Batman.

   You know my name, not my story. You’ve heard what I’ve done, not what I’ve been through. If you were in my shoes, you’d fall the first step.

   Alarm clocks should come with sounds like “tiny doll feet scampering into the closet” because I am not hitting snooze when I hear that.

   Tip on getting a raise at work: Every day eat a cup-a-noodle soup for lunch and make sure to mention how you need to save half, because you know you will be hungry tomorrow.

   Judaism, Christianity and Islam are all equally valid, but one thing breaks the tie in favor of Christianity: grilled cheese with bacon.

   My boss said "Dress for the job you want, not the job you have." Now I'm sitting in a disciplinary meeting dressed as Batman.

   Get a load of this guy" - worst slogan for a sperm bank

   Kermit the frog puppets sales are up......but that's none of my business tho!

   World Cup Soccer reminds me of poor mans hockey

   What do women and an ambulance have in common? They make a lot of noise to let you know they are coming.