Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   When a first date ends with an awkward hugshake, it's usually the last date too.

   So Casey Kasem is missing, they should get Scoob and the gang to solve this mystery.

   We played a lot of "Keep The Balloon In The Air" as kids,,,, a game known to most other people as Being Poor.

   Men In Black, Panties..... #AddaWordRuinaMovie

   That's right,, Doctor Smug, I DO drink eight glasses of water a day.... I just filter them through coffee grinds first.

   There's a 95% chance that you'll go through your whole life without ever knowing the next line to "Blinded By The Light."

   .... Naw ... Blinded by the light ... Revved up like a deuce ..... Another runner in the night .... Yup, Bet that cuts the odds a bit.

   I need help programing my dvr to skip news and record the commercials.

   I give my number to this hot sexy as@ bi#ch.. She said I will call you when I get home, I think that bit$h homeless..

   Black guys covered in tattoos just look paisley now.

   At some point you outgrow feelings and you outgrow people. Its nothing personal. Its part of human nature. As much as we would want it to, nothing lasts forever.

   If a tree falls on your Ex in the woods, and no one hears it, still get rid of the chainsaw just in case.

   I don't talk to myself. My dog is generally around.

   One day my fridge will take revenge on me by opening my bedroom door every half hour, staring at me for a few minutes and then leave.

   Weird how it’s always the women with multiple muffin tops wearing the tightest tank tops money can buy

   If a woman's shorts are big enough to spell "Bootylicious" across the back, then chances are she is not.

   Good judgment comes from experience. Experience comes from bad judgment.

   The fast food strike is today. I wonder who will get my order wrong now?

   Sleeping is so old school, there's no technology involved

   Wish my Google phone had "I'm Feeling Lucky" button when I want to be the 10th caller.