Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I've come to the conclusion that dryer lint is the cremated remains of all my missing socks.

   I think 90% of the software on my computer doesn’t do anything except send me notices that there’s a new version of itself.

   It's not gay if his name is Ashley.

   Thanks to coffee I'm no longer exhausted. I'm alert and exhausted instead.

   The more attractive you are, the creepier you can be without raising eyebrows.

   It's as if none of these people have ever seen a beer hat at the gym before.

   If your cup is only half full, you probably need a smaller bra.

   I'm surrounded by sex addicts & alcoholics. So glad I found y'all.

   Donald Sterling likes his coffee the same way as his women. Luke warm and half white.

   "Why do you hate me"? I say as I attempt to hold my cat like a baby

   I put some red in with the whites and now my wife will not allow me near the laundry anymore...had to wear pink shirts for awhile but it was well worth it.

   I always carry a flute with me in case I see a couple of rabbits frolicking in a summer meadow.

   Ever have one of those days when you don't give a rats ass only to find that you pleased a rat ?

   Today in 1992, Rodney King said, "Can we all get along?" SPOILER ALERT: We can't.

   How could it be called a "botched execution" if the scumbag is dead.

   The rat race is over. The rats won.

   Donald Sterling's girlfriend said she's “going to be president of the United States” one day. Yeah, like we’re going to elect someone who secretly records people’s private phone calls and conversations.

   Toronto Mayor Rob Ford announced today that he is checking into rehab. He said he entered rehab this week to deal with the problem swiftly — and also because Monday is Cinco de Mayo, and he ain’t missing that.

   Why does the Avon lady walk funny. Her lipstick.

   I am way to old for this "being sober" sh*t...