Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I hate it when I'm trying to make money and someone greases the stripper pole.

   If your problem can’t be solved by me saying “that's messed up” and nodding a lot, then you shouldn’t come to me for help

   Don't talk to me unless you're a dog.

   I can either be on time or wearing pants. Pick one.

   I am woman. Hear me whine.

   Wait a second, you guys have friends in real life?

   I'd probably get laid a lot more if I were in prison.

   Pro tip: If you use the rest room at Wal-mart, it will be more sanitary if you *don't* wash your hands afterwards.

   White girls favorite book: The Little Engine Who Could Not Even.

   GIRLS: To make a guy panic, simply ask ,, " Notice anything different?'................. * works EVERY time

   I wish "Earth Day" was a realityh show in which we can vote people off of the planet.

   What do the Chicago Cubs and possums have in common? Both play dead at home and both get killed on the road!

   Did you hear about the joke that EJ Manuel told his receivers? It went over their heads.

   What did Michael Jackson have in common with the Chicago Cubs? He wore a single glove on his left hand, but it served no real purpose.

   I only have two questions for my next girlfriend. 1. Do you want to marry me? 2. Why not?

   It's like the women in this bar don't know how close I am to getting my own apartment.

   I'm drunk and I've got work tomorrow, but on the plus side. I'm having a great conversation with my dog

   My ass cheeks are so tight, when I fart only my dog can hear it.

   My 3year old just swallowed some quarters and pennies. He seems ok now, I'll let you know if I see any change

   By all means,, Keep filming that crying African baby for our sake. Whatever you do, don't pick it up, or shoo the flies away, or feed it or anything humane.