Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I bet aliens would visit us more if will smith didn't punch them in the head as soon as they got here.

   I wish they made c ondoms for ears so I didn't have to hear so much bullsh*t.

   My husband said, "Good Morning" and thats how the fight started.

   My girlfriend would be so mad if she found out that I'm telling people she's my girlfriend.

   I put the I just wanna TALK in STALK

   My OCD can run circles around your anxiety disorder.... Perfect, organized circles.

   My doctor says I should exercise. Uh, excercise. That's that thing where you have to move, right?

   He said "Your obsession with cats is out of control. I can't handle it anymore." She cried, "You're kicking meeeowt?"

   My wife just put me in charge of obeying her.

   Turns out, pounding a wooden stake through a vampire's heart works even if the guy's not a vampire.

   Going vegetarian is a missed steak.......sorry had to

   Odd how all the 'intelligent life finding instruments' are pointed away from earth.

   Ladies, a piece of advice. If your boyfriend or husband gives you a facial/spa treatment as a gift, be a little more specific. After all, it might not be a good idea to post how happy you are that he gave you "a facial".

   Women just complain I mean gripe I mean argue I ........I mean women are smart honey

   If I was in that Malaysian airplane my wife would find it in 10 minutes..

   Why do fools fall in love? Because smart people know that, odds are, it will end horribly.

   licking cheeto dust off his fingers counts as foreplay, right?

   Dear whoever ate my fries while I was in the ball pit at McDonald's; Not funny, grow up.

   If you talk more than you think... That's a huge problem.

   Sad to say but WWE is coming to the end....