Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   NFL announces no more goal dunking allowed. Oakland Raiders reply with a public statement: "No effect on us."

   What do I have to do to get sent to your room?!

   Too many Stalkers not enough bullets

   Don’t count on your chickens before they are hatched; before getting on our nerves and receiving a punch from us.

   Asked my 65 yr old father if he believed in gay marriage. His response "I saw my friends die for freedom. That means freedom for EVERY American."

   .... All I ever want is to make you smile ..... Well, That ..... and maybe some bacon ..

   Why do all you women brag about multi-tasking. You need to chill out. There is nothing cool about doing 3 things wrong at once

   One day, you'll be just a memory for some people,so do your best to be a good one.

   Not only am I a master of suspense but I

   I get butterflies in my stomach every time I eat butterflies.

   Hotel showers have 2 settings. It's either "gently peeing on you" or "DEAR GOD, THIS IS GOING TO RIP MY NIPPLES OFF!"

   Coffee so black the police plant evidence on it.

   If you love something, set it free... If it returns, it probably can't pay its student loans.

   You ever think that maybe the reason geese are always honking is because they're flying too close together?

   Starting to think this 30 minute documentary about the amazing Shark vacuum cleaner might be a commercial.

   Got thrown out of the theater during the Superman movie but,, I was able to sneak back in by putting on glasses.

   The difference between what you say and who you are is what you do.

   It's throw back Thursday (chugs a beer).

   Know what more people in this world need?????? Exit wounds.

   I like pressing F5. It's so refreshing.