Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   President Obama - The worlds most powerful insurance salesman.. How embarrassing.

   I put a Justin Bieber's song as my alarm tone and it works wonders cuz I wake up before it goes off so I don't have to listen to that sh*t.

   A toothbrush. If you let a woman bring one into your house, it’s no longer your house.

   People who only sleep with one pillow are the real terrorists.

   What a lovely winter we're having this spring.

   "Omg. Why does this store have so many naked pictures of me?"... "Sir those are mirrors, and we're gonna have to ask you to leave."

   This CNN coverage of a missing plane is the longest episode of Gilligan's Island I've ever watched.

   It's weird how starving people aren't allergic to gluten.

   I've always had this fantasy to make love to two women......... Like, in the same year

   They might want to put a picture of that airplane on a milk carton.

   Has anyone even considered that the missing Malaysian airliner just may have been Wonder Woman's invisible jet?

   Don't justify aggressive behavior with cultural diversity.

   The president announced his bracket for the NCAA tournament. March Madness and Obama is predicting Michigan State will beat Louisville to win the national championship. Going by Obama's past predictions, I want to congratulate Louisville on their big wi

   Lawmakers here in New York are considering a plan to bring slot machines to LaGuardia Airport. Of course there's always that other way to gamble at LaGuardia — checking a bag.

   of all the things i've lost, I miss my childhood the most...

   Note to self: Don't photobomb someone getting an MRI

   Note to self: Don't photobomb someone getting a mammogram

   Maybe Obama should have pitched Obamacare on Shark Tank?

   Ladies, you can stop with the expensive bikini wax treatments. I have a roll of duct tape. . .

   The only difference between McDonald's and my work is McDonald's has only got one clown running the show